Why Success Didn’t Make Me Feel Safe

Many women spend years believing prosperity will finally arrive once they achieve enough, earn enough, heal enough, or become enough. But what happens when success still doesn’t feel safe in the body?

I’m in a deep dive with locating the TRUTH OF PROSPERITY in my body right now.

As in: what does REAL PROSPERITY FEEL LIKE in my body? What are the SENSATIONS OF PROSPERITY? The tone? The shape?

What does living prosperity feel like today and everyday?

Usually when we think of prosperity we think of money, right? So I have begun contemplating my relationship with money and wealth over the last 30 years. 

Do you relate to any of this?

Burnout, Self Denial, and the Pursuit of “Enough”

I walked the victim path of lack and scarcity “I DON’T HAVE!” and…jealousy come-envy “How come SHEEEE gets a trust-fund-rich-husband-gobs-of-wealth and I have to work for it?!”

That was in my 20’s and early 30’s.

This evolved into that feminist-fist-in-the-air “I DESERVE to have!” and “I don’t need a man or ANYONE, I can do it all on my own!” Along with some righteous indignation along the way about the Rigged System, Patriarchy, and Inequity.

That was much of my 30’s.

This meant that I achieved more (degrees, accolades, money) with a big fat Fu** You on my shoulder…giving the proverbial finger to The Man as I pushed-strove-acquired in that very system that I opposed.

What emerged was a complex slew of shame-tinged feelings. The twisted guilt that comes with “privilege”, the shame and embarrassment in having “extra” or feeling the need to ‘justify’ that I worked hard for it and suffered.

As if PROVING that I had SUFFERED balanced out any newly acquired privilege. 

That was in my 40’s.

As I started to earn more than what I needed for the month, I came into relationship with DESIRE rather than DENIAL. Noticing some sexual overtones here? Yeah. That’s for future musings but just pin the truth that your pleasure, sensuality, and sexuality *matter* when it comes to prosperity and wealth.

The Emotional Relationship Women Have With Money

Back in those days havingness prompted this wild seesaw experience pendulating between “working hard” and “self-care”. The working hard part included a ritual of daily self-denial which I believed was just part of the path of a “responsible adult” in her “earning years”. 

MY INTERNAL SHAME VOICE BACK THEN:

Who do you think you are, missy?! Do you think that you get to: 

Sleep
Nourish yourself
Have time with your family
Enjoy being outside
Luxuriate in ample alone time to fill your cup 
Have a rich spiritual life

AND be able to earn enough money for everything you need or even WANT!?

Who are you, the Queen of Sheba?!

In those days self-denial included: 

• not getting enough sleep ← THIS WAS A KILLER. Um. Literally. Shitty circadian health will kill you. It’s why you want to die when you don’t sleep (I know, I’ve lived it) and why you feel like trash. It is your body SIGNALING TO YOU that something is amiss. But we just pop a pill and ignore it.
• not eating homemade-high-quality-food that is infused with intention, attention, and love which are powerful seasoners
• rushing and being in a hurry ← How many times did I say to my son “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon! We are late!” 🤦‍♀️
• nursing anxiety-fear-worry ← I was in a loop and DIDN’T SEE IT! My life was FUELED by anxiety-fear-worry. I was financially rewarded for it too because it made me a “success” since this is what kept me productive.
• ignoring the signals and cues that were coming from my body, my marriage, and my life that were saying, “Hey woman. This isn’t actually working for your highest and best good. Hello? Are you listening?”

Like many high-achieving women, ALL of my focus was on EARNING, GROWING, ACHIEVING, and WORKING.

Then I would TREAT MYSELF with the “self-care” rituals of the “upwardly mobile”. I would reward myself for being such a good girl and denying myself so well all week! ← That’s kinky as shit, btw.🤫

Hence the new sweater purchase, the $6 latte, the ‘nice’ bottle of wine at Costco, or the girl’s night out. All of this fed the beast of perpetual earning.

My spending was an attempt to find some relief from the drudgery of handing over my time-energy-creativity-life-force in ways that made brittle my passion for life.

I say all of this as a woman who would not be considered an “overspender” by conventional terms. I don’t have debt other than our mortgage. We own our vehicles, pay our credit cards monthly, and have savings and retirement. We have “enough” and yet this crazy-town-emotional-mental-spiritual-spiral CONTINUES. 

Why Success Didn’t Create Safety

My relationship with growing wealth and financial success became deeply tied to my sense of safety, self-worth, and identity as a woman.

i.e. my business + serving my clients = making money — THIS was the central focus of my life for decades. ← It took me years to realize that I was conflating money with safety.

I thought money would make me SAFE, RELAXED, and help me finally SURRENDER (a la Michael Singer in The Surrender Experiment.). But what it actually did was fuel my controlling and gripping nature. The more I controlled, the more “successful” I was. However, I was getting TIGHTER through the daily conditioning, not looser and more surrendered.

Even though my CIRCUMSTANCES changed over the years, my emotional-energetic-spiritual relationship with money stayed the same – kind of like an abusive friend. “I love you. I hate you. I want you. You overwhelm me. You are enough for me. You are never enough for me.”

THIS is not prosperity for me. Gripping. Worrying. Feeling good. Feeling bad for feeling good.

Who the hell cares if I “have more” and I am just torqued in a new way?

The Perpetuating Cycle of Midlife Success and Burnout

For many women in transition and midlife, burnout is not simply about doing too much. It is often the result of living in a prolonged state of nervous system activation where achievement becomes emotionally tied to safety, worthiness, and survival. 

Once you have a few dollars then you need to know what to do with it. This can spark a shame spiral soaked with mild panic about how to save or invest. Being worried that you are “behind” or regretting that you didn’t begin saving sooner. There is the humiliation of “making back investments” or “losing” money.  

It’s enough to make you want to stick your head in the sand or just give it to your spouse to deal with.

I do not believe that any that 👆👆👆 THIS 👆👆👆 is prosperity. I believe this is a big fat hairy lie that keeps us tangled up in a system, a game, that is not designed for us to win at, no matter how hard you try.

Because at the CORE of this paradigm is fear, survival, and greed. ←And there is nothing that feels prosperous about that.

Can you relate to this?
What part(s) can you relate to? How is your story similar or different from mine? ← Drop your thoughts in the comments below! I read every single one.

🔎 FAQs

Why do successful women still feel anxious?

Many women tie achievement and productivity to emotional safety, making it difficult to fully relax even after reaching financial or professional goals.

What does prosperity actually feel like?

True prosperity often feels like safety, nourishment, spaciousness, connection, and enoughness rather than constant striving.

Why do women struggle to slow down?

Many women are conditioned to equate productivity with worth, making rest and slowness feel unsafe or undeserved.

Can burnout affect your relationship with money?

Yes. Burnout and nervous system stress can shape emotional patterns around scarcity, earning, spending, and self-worth.