“Why do we keep having the same relationship problems even after therapy, books, date nights, and communication tools?”

Marriage is shaped by far more than communication skills, date nights, money conversations, or sex advice. The emotional climate of a relationship is influenced by what each partner brings internally, including their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, resentments, fears, and patterns of self-abandonment. Lasting relationship growth begins by understanding what is happening beneath the surface, not just managing what appears on top.

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Hello, beautiful humans in this most plentiful world.

Let’s talk a little bit about marriage and healthy relationships. That’s really my lane, and as a therapist, it’s where I have spent, devoted, 25 years of my life is learning about how to gain wisdom, a kind of mastery in relating to others.

How it is that we can have a kind of relational intelligence with each other, which, for me, is wisdom, right? And so many of us are not taught how to have “healthy relationships”.

And so certainly we find ourselves, especially if you married or got into an intimate partnership early on. We don’t know anything about anything right? Which is normal. That’s how it’s supposed to go. You’re not supposed to have the wisdom of a 50 year old when you’re 25, that’s not how it works.

Why Most of Us Never Learned How Healthy Relationships Actually Work

Part of the joy of being human is we get to go through this glorious maturation cycle, if we so choose. And then additionally, you know, maturation is really something that happens developmentally.

So you hit puberty, and you know your brain grows and and all those physical and physiological aspects, but there’s this whole other reality line that is often ignored, and that reality is spiritual, energetic, emotional.

It’s the stuff of being initiated into a human being that is aware of your thinking, feeling, doing and believing in a partnership, because your thoughts are things. They create an energetic imprint. They create frequency. It’s like a radio station in your mind, and then when you tune to that frequency of disdain, disgust, boredom, whatever it might be, not only is that being broadcasted through you, it’s being broadcasted to your partner as well.

The Part of Marriage I Never Learned in School

Those are things that I never learned in school. I have a master’s degree in women’s studies, and also a master’s degree in marriage, family, child therapy, and I’m a certified sex therapist, so I didn’t learn these things. And I don’t say that to say there’s anything wrong with that form of education, but it’s when you don’t learn about what’s happening underneath in your marriage, you basically are moving furniture around a burning house.

You go to work with a couples therapist, and you’re trying to navigate money or kids or your sex life, whatever it is. And you’re going to be told to have a date night once a week. We’re moving the sofa, but the walls are on fire, like the house is not a place that’s safe. And I’m not talking safety in terms of your physical safety or emotional state.

Well, a physical safety, obviously there is emotional, unsafeness happening in our relationships, and it starts with us. How it is that you begin to become aware of your thinking, feeling, doing and believing? Because that creates an experience in you and in your marriage.

How Thoughts and Emotions Shape a Relationship

If my thoughts are unsafe, meaning, disdain, disgust, self abandonment, self hatred, which, again, that most people don’t recognize, most women certainly don’t recognize, the kind of self hatred that they have, until I invite them to take a look at the resentment, the anger that they have towards their intimate partner. And whatever it is that you’re projecting to your intimate partner, it has to run through you first.

People tell me things that they don’t tell other people, like I feel disgusted by him or her, or it grosses me out, or I just don’t want to be in the same room with them.

And that all of that makes sense.

What You’re Bringing Into the Relationship

But we can’t go moving around the furniture until you have an understanding that what you’re bringing to the relationship and not just that you’re saying the right words. What’s underneath that? What are you giving life to through this inner apothecary of your thinking, feeling, doing, believing, the way you perceive, the way you intend, this energetic signature that you have?

For example, a woman may tell me she’s frustrated that her husband never helps enough around the house. On the surface, the problem appears to be chores. But underneath may be years of resentment, self-abandonment, over-functioning, or believing she has to carry everything herself.

And if this sounds Woo, Woo to you, that’s fine.

It’s how it is that we create our world, is through thoughts and emotions and energy and putting our attention and our awareness on something and how we perceive the world. And so I’ll be sharing with you audios on this channel about ways to be in your relationship, whether you’re married or not, whether you’re a man or a woman or not, like any relationship, right? Like we’re all relational beings.

And so how it is that you relate to a client or a colleague, how it is that you’re dialing into that emotional state from a frequency, an energetic signature that will serve you, serve the relationship and serve the other person?

Many people assume healthy relationships are built primarily through communication techniques, conflict-resolution tools, or shared experiences. While those things matter, healthy relationships are also shaped by the emotional and energetic patterns each person brings into the partnership every day.

If this resonates with you, comment below and I will respond, not AI or my assistant, me, Jenny.

Want to dive deeper into healing your relationship? Learn how to work with me here.

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Frequently Asked Questions About Relationships and Relational Intelligence

What is relational intelligence?

Relational intelligence is the ability to recognize how your thoughts, emotions, beliefs, behaviors, and patterns influence the health of your relationships.

Why don’t communication tools solve every relationship problem?

Communication tools can help, but they often sit on top of deeper emotional patterns such as resentment, fear, self-abandonment, or contempt that also need attention.

What creates emotional safety in a relationship?

Emotional safety grows when people become aware of what they are bringing into the relationship, take responsibility for their internal experience, and learn to relate from a place of honesty and self-awareness.

How does resentment affect marriage?

Resentment often shapes how partners perceive, interpret, and respond to one another. Over time, it can create emotional distance and erode connection.

Does this apply outside of marriage?

Yes. The same principles apply to friendships, family relationships, business partnerships, clients, and colleagues.