This is an initiation.

This is not, and never was, an “election” (though some, including me, certainly felt the massive gut-wrenching swoop of fear and uncertainty after the last one…).

As the world continues to embody more destruction, more depression and more stories about humanity falling into despair, this message is more important than ever!

Which means that this initiatory moment requires a SKILLING UP on the behalf of humanity, especially for difficult conversations. 

What YOU bring to this moment defines our future, a future that expands and blossoms above the snarky political memes and clever (albeit slanderish) slogans and shenanigans those “in power” use to control you.

Whether you’re navigating political differences, family conflict, difficult conversations in your marriage, or simply trying to communicate more effectively with someone you love, the same principles apply. Healthy communication begins long before the conversation starts. It begins with how we regulate ourselves, understand our emotional triggers, and show up for the people in front of us.

There are 5 skills you need to embody now so as not to slide back into a sluggish, heavy, divisive, fear-based, media-numbed perspective that has only fed the flames of us vs. them for the last 6 years (and beyond). (And you may recognize that these skills were an important part of resisting the evil from the last decade…)

[P.S. These are the same skills that I have taught my clients to utilize in their marriages for 15 years.]

Regulate Yourself – It’s Your Responsibility

#1. You must first locate your safety *in yourself* and anchor in that place of internal security and calm BEFORE engaging with the “other” (your partner, spouse, or your neighbor-brother-friend who is on the opposite aisle from you). 

It is not the other person’s job to regulate you, especially when you are in a place of seeing the world from different perspectives, in the throes of difficult conversations. It is your job to ground yourself. 

It is your job to OWN your e-motions (energy in motion). It is your job (aka initiatory moment) to get to know your fear and come into a relationship with your shadowy bits that have been activated. 

IF YOU DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SHADOW, your shadow will own you and dictate your life. 

Get to know your fear.

Get to know how you are perpetuating victim consciousness in yourself.

Get to know if you believe, in your heart of hearts, that someone or something needs to save you. Know WHO you are giving your power to by outsourcing your well-being to them.

If you cannot locate a felt sense of security in your own being-ness DO NOT MOVE ON to step 2 because you will not be available to actually listen, hear, and engage with another. 

Rather, you will defend, kavetch, blame, cower, bully, scream, shut down, stonewall, name call, or otherwise contribute to more disharmony in your relationship so do the mature-grown-up-thing and tend to yourself first.

Understand Your Own Availability

#2. Get clear on WHAT you are available for in the conversation. 

Difficult conversations are tough to maneuver to begin with, but without knowing what your conversational boundaries are, they become so much harder.

Are you available to see the other person’s unique perspective? Are you available to grow your inner-standing of how they have been walking through and experiencing the world? Are you available for them to be different…and for you to still value them as a human? 

Are you available for their truth to simply be THEIR TRUTH? Are you available to be present to your differences without collapsing into fear-blame-contempt?

Or…are you available to make them wrong, argue, or accuse them of not understanding you? Are you only available for your truth and believe that any other truth is a ‘vote against’ you? Are you only willing for there to be peace in your relationship if the person agrees with your perspective?

If you are NOT AVAILABLE for the other person’s perspective, don’t bother having the conversation. Because it will not be a conversation. It will be a debate. 

Save your energy unless you want to perpetuate war consciousness. 

Build your Conversation Menu

#3. Commit to what your RULES OF ENGAGEMENT will be during the conversation.

Get a piece of paper and legit write down what is “on the menu” for yourself during the conversation. Is it acceptable for you to raise your voice? Chase after the person if she or he walks out of the room? Is it acceptable for you to interrupt? Name call? 

Will you commit to staying connected to your breath, softening your face, staying connected to your heart and feel your sitz bones on the chair beneath you? Will you make an agreement with yourself that you will speak in bite-sized pieces (as in 3-4 brief sentences at a time), pause for your partner to reflect or respond, and stay in the present moment so as not to ignite a dumpster fire?

Write a list of the EMOTIONAL FREQUENCIES that you will be bringing to your conversation: steadiness, calm, compassion, understanding, love, equanimity. Refer to this list throughout your conversation to ensure that you are living in coherence. 

If you find yourself in judgment, contempt, blame, impatience, or anger during the conversation, hold yourself accountable to what you have committed to in the conversation by taking a timeout to regroup with yourself. Do not re-engage until you are showing up with the energy, words, and behaviors that promote connection or peaceful discourse.

“Interesting…tell me more!” – The Secret To Success During Difficult Conversations

#4 Get curious. 

You must engage in steps 1-3 BEFORE you can be genuinely curious about someone who has REAL DIFFERENCES FROM YOU…differences that feel threatening to your safety, differences that inflame your shadow.

It is precisely why most Americans are walking around siloed in their own perspectives and often unable and unwilling to see another’s perspective. 

Most Americans are deeply unsafe inside. The anxiety, worry, and fear is like a virus in their system. Most people in this country are running around trying to acquire safety from the outside (controlling their environment, controlling people, self-medicating, numbing out, distracting themselves constantly, etc.) so as not to need to be with the deep disquiet INSIDE.

(And, honestly, this is becoming more of a global threat to communication, understanding and compassion…)

If you want to get really, genuinely curious about someone outside of you, you must walk through the fire of getting really, genuinely curious about YOURSELF (hello, steps 1-3!).

Love Always Wins

#5 Love anyway.

Guess what, “love wins” means loving EVEN WHEN it doesn’t seem to be the obvious choice.

“Love wins” means CHOOSING the very thing that seems counterintuitive in the moment because your old programming is demanding that you fall down the crevasse of contempt-fear-judgment-blame-helplessness.

All of your spiritual, religious, personal coaching, and self-help training has (hopefully) prepared you for this moment and what will come in the next five years. 

Are you willing to have eyes to see and ears to hear?

Or will you be lulled into the addictive-us-vs.-them agenda that will surely perpetuate the continued marionetting of humanity for the future?

How To Stay Connected During Conflict in Your Relationships

Most communication problems are not actually communication problems.

They’re regulation problems.

They’re safety problems.

They’re fear problems.

They’re old wounds and protective strategies showing up in real time between two people who desperately want to be understood. Who think, and feel, like they have the right answers but don’t know how to effectively help the other person understand them. (even if they aren’t always “right”)

Over the years, I’ve sat with hundreds of couples and individuals who believed they needed better words, better techniques, or better timing to handle difficult conversations. And while those things can certainly help, what most people are really longing for is connection.

Especially connection that remains intact even when differences exist.

If you’re struggling to communicate with your partner, friend, or someone else in your life, feeling stuck in the same arguments, or wondering how to bridge a growing divide in your relationship, I’d love to support you.

You don’t have to figure it out alone.

→ Reach out here and we’ll talk!