What Makes Us Romanticize The Past?

We all carry stories from our past. Some make us smile, some make us cringe, and some quietly shape how we experience our lives decades later. One of the greatest invitations of personal growth is learning to loosen our grip on yesterday so we can fully inhabit today.

What if motivation was a natural outpouring of being well-nourished?

What if you didn’t need to FIND motivation because it comes organically when you are fed?

It’s taken me 6 years to share this…

Maybe you can relate to this story about reconnecting with an old flame decades later after you have been married for decades (I kind of hope NOT because, boy, is it a doozy of an embarrassing one!).

This story is relevant because it is a beautiful example of how we can pull the PAST into our PRESENT, foisting us back into the PAST and robbing us from THIS MOMENT. And in this moment there are literally no problems. Until we start to romanticize the past… 

We can do this with the future too. 

Through my various practices of work with women, I show you GRANULARLY how to dial into the present…which is the only place where you will ever find safety, calm, ease, and yes…pleasure. 

Back to my story…

Before we moved to Mexico from Denver in 2019, my friend and neighbor Nissa (hey girl if you are reading this!) mentioned that her daughter was in school with the son of a man whom I dated when I was 21 years old. I’ll spare you the details but HE mentioned this to Nissa because yaddiyaddiyaddi Facebook told him so.

She tells me this a-la-girlfriend-banter with all of the innuendo that he was thinking about me. That I was somehow MEMORABLE after all of these years, or he was incapable of letting go of the past.

I am blushing even as I write this.

Oy.

Oh, The Joys Of Being 21…

This fella, I will call him Kevin, was a six month fling. A hot and heavy ride around the state of Colorado on the back of his BMW motorcycle clad in leather kind of fling. 

The kind of fling that included him riding his bike all night when I moved out of state for what is now known as a booty-call. But in 1997 it was just known as riding your bike all night to see an old flame.

The kind of fling with words like, “I’ve never kissed someone and felt this way” murmured after passionate making out as we peeled ourselves away from each other.

Back then, I thought it was destiny or love or some spiritual connection. Now I know that it was likely hormones. 😝

Letting Go of the Past Isn’t That Easy!

Fast forward 23-ish years later and we’ve literally had no contact at all since the last passionate murmur on the side of a dark, wintery road in Colorado after the holiday break.

You can imagine all of the young adult day dreams about Kevin that I had in my 20’s, as I struggled with fully letting go of the past. The way that I compared future lovers to him…the way that I would wonder how life might have been if our paths had stayed entwined. (talk about romanticizing the past!)

I’m a retired therapist and have logged my 10,000+++ hours with women like me and I well-know that you too might have a similar story.

The Moment Arrived…

Anyway, I reached out to Kevin via FB and let him know that Nissa told me about him and he asked if I’d like to meet for a friendly coffee.

Girl…I was NERVOUS! 

And I am not really a nervous kind of person but I felt like I was 21 again. Egad, I kept telling myself that it wasn’t a date for goodness sake it was a 45 minute coffee at the shop down the road and I told my husband about it (in case you are wondering).

I got there early so I could settle and ground myself because of course I had been swimming in the old memories that I had been RETELLING TO MYSELF for many years after we lost contact, while I definitely wasn’t letting go of the past!

He showed up, we greeted with a warm hug, and sat with our respective coffees.  He told me about his amazing best-friend-wife (bravo!), his awesome kids, his successful business and the life that he was supremely happy in. Lovely!

I shared in kind about my happy marriage, amazing son, inspiring business, and shared that we would be moving to Mexico in a few short weeks. 

Oh My, I Really Wasn’t Expecting THIS 

Eventually, the conversation turned to “so what happened after we lost touch? I think that last time I saw you was December 1997…on the side of the road? Dark, snowy, Denver…[ahem…passionate making out]?” 😉😉😉

His reply, “Hm…I DON’T REMEMBER THAT.” ← Emphasis mine.

😱

Well, sure, I thought because there were SO MANY PASSIONATE MOMENTS to recall, right? So I tried another one, “Well, maybe the last time we saw each other was when you drove all night on your motorcycle down to Tucson…after I had left….?”

🤔

“Huh. Did I do that? I don’t recall.”

😕😑🫥 Sorry, I can’t seem to find the emoji for “I have spent dozens of hours as an adult ruminating about a passionate love affair with another human and said human DOESN’T EVEN REMEMBER?!”

“Kevin, what do you remember about our time together?” (again with me not letting go of the past!)

“Well…I dunno. We had fun. I don’t remember exactly what we did actually. But oh my gosh after you left, I started working in the wine industry and gosh, I must have had 30 girlfriends over the span of ten years! It was crazy! Drinking, traveling, partying! Wow. I have some really good memories from those years. Married my wife to help me get back on track, sober up, and stop chasing tail.”

🫠

“Okay…byeeeeeeeee.”

Just How Much Does the Past Influence Our Daily Lives?

I’m both laughing and my chest is burning a bit as I share this. 

And it is one of the best examples of how our present day can be dramatically colored by romanticizing the past even if the past is 1) GONEZO and 2) possibly was just a figment of our imagination (and research tells us that our minds lie-lie-lie to us about the past anyway – is this why we have such trouble letting go of the past?). 

How many times have you compared your RIGHT NOW MOMENT to something that happened or someone that happened years ago? 

How often have you longed for a time that no longer exists with a person that probably was never who you believed them to be anyway?

I know all of us know that “the only thing we have is the present moment”. Blah blah boring, Jenny, who cares?!

Well your LIFE TODAY cares. 

I spent off and on (I mean I wasn’t like a stalker or anything with him) dozens of hours thinking about this guy…maybe even a hundred or more in my young adulthood sharing stories with girlfriends because…we had stories! And they were good…but maybe just for me! 🫣

How to Stop Overthinking the Past

As simple as living in the present moment sounds, you probably NEVER do it. And telling yourself to do it doesn’t help you one bit.

Through my work, I help women liberate themselves from their pasts, the very imagery and beliefs that hijack their NOW and their future. When you’re on the path to letting go of the past, you break up with the part of you that’s scared-worried-fretting about what’s next. 

Which is what gives you a dysregulated nervous system, which causes adrenal fatigue, which causes migraines, which leads to shitty or no sex, which means YOU AREN’T HAVING PLEASURE! 🤯

So, it pretty much is THE everything.

Did my story touch you? If so, let me know! I know that I’m not alone in this!

Xo,

Jenny